Diller-isms

 There will never be another Phyllis Diller! Here are some of her classic lines:

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice - they look just like me.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle: Keep Away From Children.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'
He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down . . . is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Photo credit: Allan Warren

Phyllis Ada Driver (July 17, 1917 – August 20, 2012), better known as Phyllis Diller, was an American stand-up comedian, actress, singer, dancer, and voice artist, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her exaggerated, cackling laugh.