Today's funny :o)

 OUCH!

  The meaning of opaque is unclear.

 

  I wasn't going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

 

  Have you ever tried to eat a clock?  It's very time consuming.
 

  A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter.  How dairy!

 

  I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.

 

 If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.

 

  It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters, but I can summarize the Samurais for you.

  So what if I don't know the meaning of the word “apocalypse” -  It's not the end of the world.

 

 Police were called to the daycare center.  A 3-year old was resisting a rest.

 

  The other day, I held the door open for a clown.  I thought it was a nice jester.

 

  Need an ark to save two of every animal?  I Noah guy.

 

  Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

 

  I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

 

  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

  Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?

 

  I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.

 

  The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickel less.

 

  What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

 

  Do you have weight loss mantras?  Fat chants!

 

 My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me.  Or sew it seams.

 

 What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert?  Synonym buns.

 

  A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

 

 There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

 

  How do they figure out the price of hammers?  Per pound?

 

 Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France. All that  was left was de Brie

 :o)