Today's funny :o)

"LExophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."     

 

               
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
               
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
               
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
               
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
               
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
               
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
               
When chemists die, they barium.
               
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
               
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
               
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
               
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
               
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
               
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
               
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
               
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
               
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
               
A will is a dead giveaway.
               
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
                                
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
               
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
               
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
               
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
               
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
               
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
               
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
               
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

:o)